What If My Friend Makes a Joke?

Few things can sting more than finally telling someone about your scoliosis and then hearing a joke.

Maybe they weren't trying to be mean.

Maybe they were.

Maybe they laughed.

Maybe they made a comment about your back.

Maybe they tried to be funny and completely missed the mark.

Whatever happened, it probably hurt.

Especially because you trusted them enough to tell them in the first place.

When this happens, most teens immediately jump to one conclusion:

"They don't care."

Sometimes that's true.

But often, it's not.

A lot of people use humor when they feel uncomfortable.

They don't know what to say, so they make a joke.

They don't know how serious something is, so they try to lighten the mood.

They aren't thinking about how the comment might feel to the person hearing it.

They're just talking.

That doesn't make the joke okay.

But it does mean there is a difference between someone trying to hurt you and someone saying something thoughtless.

The first thing to ask yourself is:

Was the joke mean or was it clueless?

Those are very different situations.

A clueless friend may immediately apologize if they realize they hurt your feelings.

A mean friend usually doesn't care.

A clueless friend learns.

A mean friend repeats it.

A clueless friend values the friendship.

A mean friend values getting a laugh.

Pay attention to the pattern, not just the moment.

Another thing to remember is that your friends may not understand what scoliosis means to you yet.

To them, it may sound like a medical word.

To you, it might be something you think about every day.

They don't know how much courage it took to tell them.

They don't know how many insecurities are attached to that conversation.

They don't know how often you've worried about your rib hump or your back.

Not unless you tell them.

Sometimes the most powerful response is also the simplest.

You can say:

"Actually, that bothers me."

Or:

"I'm kind of sensitive about that."

Or:

"I'd rather not joke about it."

You don't need a speech.

You don't need to defend yourself.

You don't need to pretend the joke was funny if it wasn't.

Good friends want to know when they've hurt you.

They may feel bad.

They may apologize.

They may never realize the impact of their words unless you tell them.

And if they continue making jokes after you've explained how you feel?

That's information too.

Friendship isn't just about who laughs with you.

It's about who respects you.

The people worth keeping close are the people who care when something hurts.

The people who adjust.

The people who listen.

The people who make an effort.

Because real friendship isn't perfect.

People say the wrong thing sometimes.

People make mistakes.

People have awkward moments.

What matters is what happens afterward.

Do they listen?

Do they care?

Do they try to do better?

Those answers tell you far more about a friendship than a single joke ever will.

And remember this:

Your scoliosis is not a punchline.

Your body is not a punchline.

Your rib hump is not a punchline.

You deserve friends who understand that.

And the right friends will.